You know you might be a Prison Officer when:

1. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3. You believe at least 50% of people are a waste of skin.
4. Your idea of a good time is a cell entry at shift change.
5. You do a strip search on anyone who seems remotely friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
7. You find humour in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9. Your idea of comforting an prisoner is placing him in full bed restraints.
10. You believe that "shallow gene pool" is sufficient grounds for a misconduct report.
11. You believe the government should require extensive testing and permits prior to reproduction.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
13. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.
14. You believe chocolate is a food group.
15. You have contemplated holding a seminar titled "SUICIDE - Getting It Right The First Time."
16. You believe that "Too stupid to live" is a valid verdict.
17. You have to put the phone down before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
18. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
19. Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
20. When you mention "vegetables," you are not referring to the food group.
21. It occurs to you one night that you really have entered, "The Twilight Zone."
22. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following prisoners around.
23. You're escorting a smurf to clinical and find yourself carrying on an intelligent conversation with him.
24. You believe it's not a good riot unless it involves overtime.
25. You are the only person introduced by profession at a social gathering.
26. You walk into places and people think it highly comical to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you Frank!"
27. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into the room in uniform and they think they are being hysterically funny and original.
28. You believe in involuntary sterilization.
29. You had to work 18 years to earn what the rookies are starting at now.
30. When you mention "Bugs", you are not referring to insects.