Wine Warnings

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.