Timmy and Santa correspond.

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer
to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.



Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

*******

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves
are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little
worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa
wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy,
I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

*********

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by
you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that
a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

***********

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal
action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my
attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister
Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your
health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear
up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin
most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

*********

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting
to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into
this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game
console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.

WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

***************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the
world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger
wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're
awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I
have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around
the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right
now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of
your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm
still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then
walk it dry.

Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

************

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

*************

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa