This one's really long. Just sayin.

In the little town of Derbychesterfolkshireville was a restaurant by the name of King's Dining Hall, the owner of which was Josiah King (though he was better known simply as "Joe"). Now, this particular eatery was a staple in quaint little Derbychesterfolkshireville, and everyone who was anyone ate there. You see, King's Dining Hall made a rather ostentatious claim, namely, that they only used the very best ingredients in their cuisine. And I do mean the *very best*. So very best, in fact, that anyone who thought otherwise was to be given not only a full refund, but an extra £50 000 as well. Obviously, such a claim was just *begging* to be disproved, and so multitudes of patrons attempted to do just that. Alas, to both their chagrin and satisfaction, not a one could.

Now, it so happened that, one day, a portly, sweaty, greasy, yet well-dressed man came into the restaurant, came up to Josiah, and asked, "Excuse me, but could you please get for me the owner of this establishment? I wish to speak to him." To which he replied, "That would be me, sir."

"You must be joking!"

"Yes, that's right."

The man was puzzled at first, but because this isn't an Abbot and Costello routine, he realized the discrepancy and continued: "My name is Phil Popper, the world-famous gourmand!"

"Huh. This is my first time hearing of you."

"… Anyway, I understand your restaurant has a–"

"That's right, very best ingredients, or a full refund plus £50 000."

"Well, I've come to test that! Not only can I determine the quality of your food, but also *exactly* whence it came!"

"Brilliant! Let's get you a table, shall we?"

In due course, Josiah led Popper to his seat and gave him a menu. King asked, "Alright, what'll ya have?"

"Let's see," Phil mused, "I'll have the rabbit stew… and the London broil with mashed potatoes."

"And to drink?"

"Just water."

"Thank you, sir. Your food will be out shortly." And with that, Joe gave the order to his head chef.

"Mon Dieu!" the chef cried.

"What is it?"

"Zere is no more rabbit! We just used ze last of it!"

"Oh, bollocks!" Josiah groaned, his face buried in his hands. "Please, Pierre! You have to do something!"

"Oui, monsieur! I will do all I can to remedy zis situation!"

"Thank you, Pierre," King sighed.

Immediately, Joe brought a glass of water to Phil. After taking a sip, Popper proclaimed, "Excellent! It's from Leaf Spring, just outside of Newcastle."

Aghast, King confirmed, "Why, yes! That's right."

Just then, Pierre quickly brought out the London broil and mashed potatoes and ran back into the kitchen. "What about the rabbit stew?" Phil inquired.

"Terribly sorry, sir," Joe said, "The stew is, eh, taking a bit longer than we anticipated. We'll have it to you soon enough!"

Popper was suspicious, but he shrugged it off and began eating. After sampling both the meat and potatoes, his eyes lit up, and he chortled, "This is spectacular! The beef is from a Jersey cow, raised on a farm in Manchester. The potatoes are a blend, half grown here in Derbychesterfolkshireville, and the other half from Otumwa, Iowa."

"Tha-that's amazing!" Joe gasped, "How did you know?"

Phil touched his nose and winked. "Don't you worry about that. I have my ways."

At this point, Josiah was more anxious than a dog on his second visit to the vet. He slunk into the kitchen, when a beaming Pierre whispered to him, "Not to worry, monsieur. I have got everysing taken care of." Placing the stew on the table, Pierre announced, "Here you go, monsieur Poppehr. I apologize for ze wait. Enjoy!"

At last, King could rest easy. Amidst the cool, ethereal bliss of relief under which Josiah lay, a familiar voice beckoned him…

^^"Joe."

"Hello?" he answered, eyes closed and mouth smiling.

^"Joe?"

"I am here."

"*Joe!*"

He sprung awake and found Popper directly in front of him. "That'll be £50 000, Mr. King."

"B-but, I don't understand! What could possibly be wrong?"

"You said this was rabbit stew, did you not?"

"Y-yes, of course it is!"

"Then," Popper said, showing him the bowl, "would you care to explain why *there is a hare in my soup?*"