Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.


2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.


3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over
them with roller blades, they can ignite.


4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough,
however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.


5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A
ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.


7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh,"
it's already too late.


8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of
it.


9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the
movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an
overcast day.


10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of
a six-year-old.


11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the
same sentence.


12. Super glue is forever.


13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool
you still can't walk on water.


14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.


15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.


16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
sq. foot house 4 inches deep.


17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving
car.


18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.


19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic
toys do not like ovens.


20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.


21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.