The Truth about Relationships - a man's view...

The Truth about Relationships - a man's view


Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your
farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell
her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.


After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized
by Loving; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex
is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a
great ass.


Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.


1. Addictions


Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day
with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are
well and truly over.


After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash
and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to
accept that you're just being you.


2. Bodily functions


Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to
reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.


After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting
on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it's hilarious.


3. Relations/Friends


Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and
interesting views about politics, and her unemployed 'girl'- friend Amanda is
a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.


After: Aunty Jane is a loudmouthed, pain-in-the-ass fascist with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't
mind doing her if the opportunity arose.


4. Sex


Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck
to impress, using all your tricks -- your renowned tit grope, marathon oral
sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Sex four times a day is not
uncommon.


After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have
sex, you think about Amanda.


5. Attention span


Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her
life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with
interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.


After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't
involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to
concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are
you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.


6. Overall evaluation


Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive,
loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her
previous relationships ..... but she suspects that you're full of shit.


After: She knows you're full of shit!