1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s" - Bec Hill
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro
8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole" - Kevin Day
9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook
10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
"I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality" - Ed Gamble
"Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga" - James Acaster
"I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved" - Sara Pascoe
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