20> Quick-dry plaster + friggin' cats that keep crapping on the rug = instant bookends!
19> Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you!
18> Sex isn't nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy.
17> To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week.
16> A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.
15> Don't discard used toothpicks -- simply glue on some belly button lint and you'll never pay for Q-tips again.
14> A wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes!
13> Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, then break the glass for an ice sculpture that'll have your guests talking!
12> Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you've just created your own indoor Olympic skatin' rink!
11> In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
10> BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape.
9> Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements.
8> An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your "Top 5" list did not actually exceed five items.
7> Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of "Dodge the Chunks!"
6> Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature's own sealant: snot!
5> Adding sprigs of baby's breath behind the ears of a loved one's corpse is sure to lift everyone's spirits during the funeral.
4> A dead dog makes an excellent door stop -- for a while.
3> While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal makes an interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all.
2> In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter.
1> With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you'll have grandma's daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month.
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[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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