The Top 16 Reasons You Weren't Inducted Into the College of Cardinals

16> That fancy hat didn't fully cover your horns or the "666" on your scalp.


15> You never bothered to get your GED after dropping out of the High School of Cardinals.


14> "Cardinal Liebowitz" has a funny ring to it.


13> The long sleeves of the Cardinal's vestments couldn't quite hide the "OZZY" and "RULZ" tattoos on your knuckles.


12> The ceremony was scheduled at the same time as an all-new episode of "Punk'd."


11> Your proposed "Sacrament of Oral Reciprocation" didn't go over very well.


10> They found andro in your locker and there are rumors that you cork your crucifix.


9> Maybe it was that entrance essay entitled "Straight Popin': Tales of a Vatican Hustla."


8> Evidently, your mass in Pig Latin wasn't as amusing as you'd hoped.


7> You couldn't help but mention how ironic it is that Jesus Christ was born on Santa Claus' birthday.


6> Your novel suggestion that communion include salsa: "I'm just saying that the body of Christ can be a little dry, Your Holiness."


5> Somebody must have done a whois on IHateMotherTeresa.com.


4> You showed up for Sunday mass festooned in Mardi Gras beads. Meanwhile, on Bourbon Street, a half-naked girl puking behind a Dumpster was sporting a lovely rosary.


3> Your advocacy of the canonization of O.J. Simpson as the "patron saint of getting away with sh*t."


2> The cardinal's duties would have interfered with Gay Bingo Night.


1> Your open-mouth kiss of Cardinal O'Connor at the 2003 Popey awards.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]