16> Cleaning off the grill between seasons.
15> Your choice of "rowdy" music? "Ambient Sounds of the Tropical Rainforest."
14> Using cheap French cheese instead of fine American cheese in the fondue pot.
13> Distributing your PETA literature.
12> "You do know that Bear Bryant was a cross-dresser, right?"
11> Cutting a hole in the crotch of the life-sized cardboard Joe Paterno, then sticking a hot dog through it.
10> Funneling white wine with red meat.
9> A good rule of thumb regarding centerpieces: People who bring centerpieces to a tailgate party SHOULD BE SHOT ON SIGHT!!!!
8> Using the salad tongs to scratch your crotch.
7> Any serious tailgater knows that only an oatmeal stout can stand up to a pancake breakfast.
6> Bringing along your "Martha Stewart's Prized Tailgate Recipes" cookbook.
5> The tofu chili was bad enough, but it was your braised passion fruit and kelp salad with spelt-rhubarb dressing that sealed the deal.
4> Letting those "Queer Eye" guys talk you into bringing a veggie tray.
3> Lying down in a parking spot and making "oil angels."
2> "Hey guys, since we're missing church and all, why don't we have a little Bible study right here?"
1> Acceptable: Showing off by playing around with the ol' pigskin. Not acceptable: Doing so with the ol' foreskin.
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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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