The Top 15 Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap

15> Free drinks for sky marshals.


14> Any flight attendant who really moved her tail for you has already switched to Hooters Air.


13> Instead of an in-flight movie, the flight crew acts out scenes from "Seabiscuit."


12> You watch as ash falls from the flight attendant's cigar into the plastic cup as she pours the pilot another shot of cheap rum.


11> Barf bag contents become Chinese cuisine on the next leg of the trip.


10> "... and if you look out the right side of the plane, you'll see some lovely matched luggage plummeting into the ocean."


9> Three words: Air Penny Marshall


8> Not only do overweight people have to pay higher fares, so do ugly people, loud people, smelly people, New Yorkers, game show hosts, people named "Dennis," anyone who liked the movie "You've Got Mail" and Gwyneth Paltrow.


7> The flight attendants don't even bother to clean up after passengers defecate on the snack cart.


6> A maintenance technician removes the emergency slide for use at his daughter's pool party.


5> Your flight to L.A. lands at every Stuckey's between Nashville and Flagstaff.


4> During the safety demo, instead of using the prop provided by the airline, the flight attendant grabs the oxygen mask off of the old guy in the first row.


3> Your request for connection information gets you: "Sure, your lips and my ass."


2> The pilot announces that the flight will be delayed until he's done with the flight attendant.


1> "If anyone on board knows Arabic, the captain would like your help playing a little trick on those whiny brats in the control tower."


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]