The Top 15 Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Lines

15. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband..."


14. "Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!"


13. "Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass."


12. "Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."


11. "Are you impeachin' me? Are you impeachin' me? You gotta be impeachin' me cuz I'm the only President standin' here."


10. "I don't think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics.."


9. "Any of y'all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal's phone number?"


8. "This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people."


7. "Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it -- know what I'm sayin'?"


6. "Acquit me, or the stock market gets it."


5. "I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."


4. "(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left -- you can see right up her skirt!)"


3. "First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin."


2. "Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!"


1. "I'm not under oath, am I?"


[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]


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