The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)

15> We're still too busy answering "fan mail" from 1999's NRA list.


14> Oh, we have, we have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.


13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.


12> It's our fault -- we didn't realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.


11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.


10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.


9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.


8> After Bill's repudiation, Ken's interrogation, Hillary's disdain, Linda's betrayal, cable news' vilification, HBO's lack of support and the dismal failure of "Mr. Personality," Top5 couldn't possibly get under your skin.


7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.


6> You get automatic immunity because you're a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.


5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.


4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.


3> Because we're gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.


2> Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.


1> "Sorry, I'm away from my e-mail again today. I'm busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top."


[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]


[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]