The Top 15 Items on Timothy McVeigh's To-Do List

15> Finally tell off that loudmouth weight lifter in the exercise yard.


14> Same as every other nutcase -- blame the whole thing on MTV's "Jackass."


13> Take another crack at that damn "Hideously Unfair and Absolutely Biased Top5 Contributor Test."


12> Speed reading!


11> Decide on last words: "I'll see you in Hell, Will Rogers" or "Sorry, I don't do drugs."


10> Crochet another dozen baby blue afghans for the boys of Terre Haute.


9> In preparation for some serious ass-kissing, get that "Satan's Bitch" tattoo.


8> Plot the violent overthrow of a corrupt government -- at least until this damned prison makes a proper double latte.


7> Cancel date for New Year's Eve.


6> Have the last laugh by officially changing name to "Poopie Farter," resulting in hilarious headlines the next morning.


5> Cancel that subscription to Dangerous Loner Digest.


4> Leave care and feeding instructions for Mr. Jingles with warden.


3> Ask the guard if it's not too late to change answers on the warden's "How'm I Doin'?" comment card.


2> "Lethally inject" a case of Old Milwaukee.


1> Break down, cry like a little girl and wet my pants. Repeat hourly.


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]