The Top 15 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

15> It seems pretty far-fetched to classify a 7-Eleven as an "enemy stronghold."


14> Amount of new messages always seems to increase just after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.


13> The person calling into headquarters claims to be "Major Dick," then breaks down giggling.


12> They've just proudly informed you that they're closing in on Saddam Hussein.


11> "It appears to be the work of Ali al-Plisskin." "Al-Plisskin? I thought he was dead!"


10> Field maneuvers identification manual AHG-412, "Ass vs. Hole in Ground: Distinguishing Characteristics," clocks in at over 400 pages.


9> The latest report from Afghanistan: Osama bin Laden is hiding in the conservatory with a candlestick.


8> The map of Iraq you've been handed shows a large orc settlement just north of Baghdad.


7> Sealed dossier clearly marked "CONFIDENTIAL," "CLASSIFIED," "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY," "SWAK" and "XOXOXO."


6> The CIA just obtained a purchase order for 500 pair of flame-retardant pants.


5> Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square.


4> They report "increased dental chatter" during periods of very cold weather.


3> Recon photos of alleged foreign operative "Jaylo Butay" are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks.


2> Hidden somewhere in every report: "olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay."


1> The latest U.N. weapons inspectors' discovery confirms military intelligence's worst fear: oxymoronium.


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]