The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."


13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."


12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright frightening!"


11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"


10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."


9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"


8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"


7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"


6. "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"


5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"


4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this year -- it's a height thing."


3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"


2. "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never know the difference."


1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]


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