13. The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.
12. Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."
11. It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.
10. Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.
9. You're ALREADY in line for "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."
8. Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of "unnecessary surgery."
7. Three words: rm weiner tattoo
6. Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.
5. You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn't* work? Bingo.
4. Nights are so lonely that you watch "Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.
3. Even after years of therapy, you still wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."
2. No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.
1. Once you've had the President, no other man will do.
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