The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part I)

13> One of your Sims just won first place on "American Idol."


12> Those guys outside your house in dark suits after you get to a certain level in "Enter the Matrix"? Those ain't Mormons, Chester.


11> You can't scope with any of the *virtual* hotties, either, dweeb-boy.


10> This game has no monsters, no guns, no crashes -- just Mom yelling to get off the computer and do your homework.


9> Your dark-skinned Sims are deleted from your computer and stored on a server in Guantanamo.


8> For about four days every month, Lara Croft shoots at *you*.


7> The boss on the final level is an evil, arrogant old guy who does nothing but deny you overtime and write unflattering performance reviews.


6> Game limits your running speed based on your smoking habit and the weight recorded during last doctor's visit.


5> Every time the frog gets run over, your shirt gets splattered with blood.


4> Your Sims refuse to do anything you say until you agree to put on a clean T-shirt.


3> Your two regular Internet opponents, "SaddamH" and "binLaden," haven't logged on in weeks now.


2> Guiding your Knicks in the 4th quarter of "NBA Live 2003," you suddenly feel the pressure -- of Latrell Sprewell's fingers around your throat.


1> The newly elected mayor of Vice City? Marion Barry.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]