THE PROFESSOR SAYS...

When professors say this . . .they really mean this!
* this needs some minor revision. - i never actually got around to reading
this.
* my office hours are by appointment only. - i like to get out of here
early.
* ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. - i'll be
fudging your grades.
* this won't be on the test. - nap time!
* bring the text to class. - i don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just
kill time with group read-along.
* he's not fully up to speed on that. - he's got his head up his ass.
* i don't have the latest department guidelines. - i've got my head up my
ass.
* let's check with dr. so-and-so on that before we proceed. - i've got my
head up his ass.
* talk to the department secretary. - piss off.
* talk to me in my office after class. - get out of my face.
* the tests will all be multiple-choice. - i take questions directly from the
study guide and have grad students do all my grading.
* don't come in late during my lecture. - i have the attention span of a fruit
fly.
* save your questions until the end. - see above.
* the final will be comprehensive. - i'll expect you to recapitulate in two
hours everything i couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
* everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. - this course is outside
my specialty--i'll just bluff it and let you teach.
* there are two tas available to help you. - i can't be bothered.
* this year i'll be scaling the grades. - i just passed tenure review.
* let's break up into quiet discussion groups. - i have a hangover.
* let's have class outdoors today! - i had beans for lunch.
* you won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. - my contract
wasn't picked up.
* please note the last day to withdraw. - the midterm's gonna suck.
* the answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. - i only got around
to making up the test last night.
* the second list is optional reading. - i have a rich fantasy life.
* i haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. - the
a****** department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible
minute.
* well, it was on the syllabus. - i'll hold you responsible for this
even though i forgot about it myself.
* we'll just skip the term paper this semester. - there wasn't enough in the
budget for a ta.
* bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. - see above.
* attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. - i'm so boring
that no one would show up otherwise.
* read chapters 5 through 10. - i'm not coming in at all next week.
* we'll have to cover this chapter quickly. - i screwed up the lecture
schedule.
* let's go over the exam. - half of you failed.
* it was in the textbook. - i pulled it out of my ass.
* extra credit is available. - i need some s*** work done.