A priest begins the first day of his new job and is extremely nervous about speaking to the congregation. While giving his sermon his anxiety gets the best of him and he freezes. All of those people hanging on his every word, and all he can do is stutter. He gives up and walks back to his office to sulk.
Later that day the head priest comes in his office with a bottle of vodka and says " when I get nervous I sip some vodka, everyone thinks it's water. It's gotten me through some tough times and long sermons." The new priest accepts the advice and takes a glass with him the following Sunday sermon, which goes much smoother than the one before.
The next day he goes to his office and notices his vodka bottle has been replaced with a note. It reads:
Good to see the vodka helped with your nerves. Here is a little feedback about your sermon.
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 desciples, not 10.
4. Do not refer to the cross as "the big t".
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, but didn't be this ass
6. "The late J.C. Is not the best way to refer to Jesus.
7. It's not "Mary with her cherry" by the Virgin Mary.
8. The father, son, and Holy Ghost are not called "daddy, junior, and spook"
9. David was knocked from his donkey by a rock, not "stoned off his ass"
10. David slew Goliath he didn't "slay the shit outta him"
11. Christ said "take this bread and eat it for it is my body" not "eat me".
12. "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yo god!" Is an unacceptable prayer.
13. Finally, there will be a taffy pulling contest next weekend at Saint Peters church, not a peter pulling contest at Saint Taffy's crotch.
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