The Pretzel Hold.

Back in the days of the Cold War, the United States and the Soviet Union played out their battle for world domination at the Olympics, and the signature event was heavyweight wrestling. Both sides wanted the bragging rights in that event, and they stopped at nothing to get the edge. And so, deep in the wastelands of Siberia, the Soviets brought all of their knowledge of genetics and selective breeding to bear and created the fastest, strongest wrestler they'd ever produced. On top of this genetic edge, their coaches developed a foolproof move called the Pretzel Hold, out of which no wrestler had ever broken free. And so, this superhuman Soviet wrestler destroyed all of the competition in the Communist world, finally winning the gold medal in the Warsaw Pact games. He was undefeated. The Americans, however, were also preening a champion -- a farm boy from Iowa who was born to two ordinary midwesterners and fed a steady diet of beef, corn, and apple pie. But, he became immensely strong working on the farm lifting hay bales, digging ditches, and hiking over mountains, streams, and fields. He was a monster of a man, and also unstoppable.

And so, these two wrestlers met -- each undefeated -- in the gold medal round of the Olympics. The American coach turned to his guy and said, "You're good enough to beat him, but keep out of that Pretzel Hold. No one has ever gotten out of it." Full of pride and youthful enthusiasm, the American wrestler nods and walks out on the mat to confront the Soviet terminator. The whistle blows, and then SUDDENLY, in two seconds, the American is in the pretzel hold. The coach covers his eyes and hears the count -- 1 - 2 - 3 BANG! He looks up and the American wrestler has won!!

As his wounded warrior limps off the mat, the Coach grabs him. "You were in the pretzel hold!" "I was," the American says, as he falls to his knees. "How did you break free?!"

"Well," the American says, straining to find the energy in his broken body, "he was faster than I could have imagined. BAM! I was in the Pretzel Hold. And as things started to go dark and I knew the end was near, I looked up and saw these TWO BIG HAIRY BALLS. And so I craned my neck as far as I could and I bit those BALLS."

"Oh my god," the Coach cried.

"Yeah," the American said, "you don't know how strong you are until you bite your own balls."