The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and less I could care,
Just playing with Pepi and getting nowhere,


My hair stood on end, my feet hit the mat,
one hell of a racket, my god! what was that!


Shingles from the roof came tumbling down,
and as I looked out they were all on the ground,


I made a dive for the parlour my pants in my hands,
How much of this bullshit can one person stand,


Just as I thought twas our jolly old friend,
down the chimney he came, ass over end,


That's who it was I could tell by his dress,
All covered with deer shit, a hell of a mess,


He came limping out in a pile of soot,
bitching cause Prancer had stepped on his foot,


By his grunts and his groans his heaves and his sighs,
I knew right away he was pissed to the eyes,


He upset the tree fell over a chair,
and did nothing but bitch all the time he was there,


"All these damn kids will drive me berserk,
you have all the fun, I have all the work,"


His junk was all broken and spread on the floor,
and I saw when he turned that his britches were tore,


Exposed to the cold his ass was all blue,
he screamed, " I'll be glad when this damn night is through"


He dug and he scratched, the seven years itch,
He gave it to me the son of a bitch,


I guess all his capers finally went to my head,
I grabbed the old bastard and must have seen red,


I kicked his fat ass right out of the room,
If he ever comes back it'll still be too soon,


I heard him exclaim 'ere he drew out of site,
"Piss on you all, what a hell of a night."