The Married Man's Score Card

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)


Simple Duties
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* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners
with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10


Social Engagements
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* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8


Saturday Afternoons
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* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear:
-6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15


Her Birthday
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* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40


Thoughtfulness
----------------------
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50


A Night Out With Your Pals
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* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200


A Night Out, Just the Two of You
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* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25


Driving
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* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60


Communication
----------------------
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10