The Lord spoke to Noah

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ''In six months I am going to make it rain
until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing
on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.'' And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ''OK,'' Noah said,
trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ''I'm your man.''


Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.


''Noah!'' shouted the Lord, ''Where is My ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground right beside Noah.


''Lord, please forgive me!'' begged Noah. ''I did my best, but there were some
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo
the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.


''My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.


Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood
to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.


''Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.


''Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!


''Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS
has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I
just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years.''


With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ''You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?'' he asked hopefully.


''No,'' said the Lord. ''The government already has.''