The first person to invent language probably just wanted to talk about himself.

2) Sorry, him or *herself.* Sheesh. (If you didn't see this punch-line coming it's because ~~You're Pacquiao~~ ~~You're Mayweather's wife~~ ~~You forgot to take out the trash~~ ~~Jesus, you're a women who's husband beats her do I have to spell it out?~~ the patriarchy.

3) The *actual* first person to invent language was pissed because he thought of it but didn't say anything.

3.5) He didn't say anything because he was trying to invent patent law first.

4) The first person to invent language probably bragged about it for days.

5) The first person to invent language was probably high as *fuuuck.* "Yo, what if I could make other people think what I'm thinking by vibrating the air around me."

6) The first person to hear language probably thought he was high as fuck. "Dude, am I reading minds right now? Also, what's reading?"

7) The first person to invent guns probably made a killing.

7.5) Isn't it funny that making a killing is an idiom for making money. Hmm... what does that say, United States Military? And no hitting in class, what did Iraq do to you anyway? He knocked down your lego building? Are you sure that wasn't Osama? Shit, it'll always be too soon for 9-12 jokes. (9-10? It was soo long ago)

8) The first person to invent language probably got tired of repeating himself all damn day.

8.5) "Hey man, what's the word for... you know.. again?" "Ugh.... for the last time, it's coitus... You know what, just call it sex. It's short (like your member, heh) and easy to remember (unlike your member).

Nine) The first principle of language design is make things that people say often as easy to say as possible. The zeroth principle is encode the most important things in the grammar itself. The negative first principle is to put the most important information at the front.

10) The first person to invent writing probably thought he was talking to idiots. *Do I have to spell it out for you.*

11) It used to be the case that the ability to read-in-one's-head was really rare. Now it's kinda the other way round. Just thought it was interesting. There's no joke, stop trying to figure it out. *Or is there?*

12) The first person to invent language probably wanted to tell a joke. Or woo a girl. Or make a promise. Or stand out. Or warn someone. Aww, aren't humans awesome? (Really!) But fundamentally, they wanted to share information, i.e, sex.

12.5) I know what i.e. and e.g. mean, i just wanted to show you you're super pedantic. We'll get along nicely. (Also, it was part of the joke!)

13) The second person to talk probably thought he was *soooo* original. The third person to talk said "Repost!"

14) Language is cool, but it still can't express everything that needs to be expressed. I'm gonna go invent a *real* language.

I can't wait to tell you about it.