The Best Diagnostician

One day a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I am going to see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Why don’t you try the new computer system in the hospital. It’s proven to be able to diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. It’s incredible! You simply insert a sample of your urine and the system diagnoses your problem and then advise you what to do about it.”
The injured fella had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and went to the hospital. Finding the computer system he deposited the sample and awaited the computer systems diagnosis.
The system started making some noise and various lights started to flash and beep. After a short pause out popped a small slip of paper.
You have tennis elbow. Refrain from painful movements immediately. Apply ICE and HEAT three times per day. Visit a sports physiotherapist if pain persists after two to three weeks.

The man went home quite impressed with this, the latest advancement in medical technology. Later that evening he began to wonder how the system worked, and decided that he would test the new computers capabilities. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter and then masturbated into the concoction for added complexity.
He went back to the hospital’s computer system and poured in his new sample.
The system made the usual noises and after a short pause printed out the message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will NEVER get better!