Telemarketing

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:


(swallowing) Me: Hello


AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...


Me: This is AT&T?


AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?


Me: May I ask who is calling?


AT&T: This is AT&T.


Me: OK, hold on.


At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.


Me: Hello?


AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?


Me: May I ask who is calling please?


AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...


Me: This is AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?


Me: Yes, is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes sir.


Me: The phone company?


AT&T: Yes sir.


Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.


AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.


Me: I already have a phone.


AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.


Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.


AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.


Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.


Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?


AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!


Me: 7 days a week?


AT&T: That's right.


Me: 365 days a year?


AT&T: Yes sir.


Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!


AT&T: We think so!


Me: That's quite a sum of money!


AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.


Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?


AT&T: Excuse me?


Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.


AT&T: What are you talking about?


Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.


AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.


Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?


AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......


Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.


AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....


Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!


AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.


Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?


AT&T: What?


Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!


AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.


So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:


Supervisor: Mr. Byron?


Me: Yeth?


Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.


Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?


Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.


I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.


Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.


Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.


Me: Thank you.


I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.


AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?


Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...


AT&T: (click)