TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS

These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it's vital that you reach
your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and
other illegal substances.
* Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will
think they are losers.
* As an alternative to drugs, suggest "cool" drug-free activities, like making
a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the
olden days were like.
* Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a
moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax. Scare your kids straight with the
terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El
Camino outside a Kansas concert.
* Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.
* Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the
powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back
to America.
* If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by
hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.
* As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to
experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.
* Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes
or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
* Today's kids place an emphasis on good "vibes" in a conversational setting.
Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep
the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior
windows to blot out all sunlight.
* Explain to your kids that the reason they call it "dope" is that you have to
be a "dope" to use it. From then on, the mere mention of "dope" will flood their
minds with terrifying imagery of "being a dope," scaring them off drugs
forever.
* Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and
reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to
predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
* Ask the editors of Highlights for Children to repeat the strip in which
Goofus OD's and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train
station.
* Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to
a wah-wah pedal.