Redneck Etiquette

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.


* When approaching a four-way sto`, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.


* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.


* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.


* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.


* Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.


* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.


* If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.


* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


* Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


Redneck Dining Out


* Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


Redneck Entertaining in Your Home


* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.


* If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)


* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago.


* If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.


* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.


* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Redneck Wedding Etiquette


* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.


* Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.


* When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.


* A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.


* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions


* Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.


* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


* Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.


* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.


* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered poor manners to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


* The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.


* Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.