Pre-Season Ski Exercises

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a
half-hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.


Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.


Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you
go to bed each night.


If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.


Throw away a hundred-dollar bill-now.


Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.


Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice,
and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.


Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.


Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.


Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.


Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.


Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere, as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're following an 18-wheeler.


Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.


Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.


Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.


Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real
thing!