Comedian Quotes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve BluestoneHave you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George CarlinYou have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol LeiferI have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed BluestoneThe second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie GleasonI went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' Jay LenoI dated this girl for two years --- and then the nagging started: 'I wanna know your name...' Mike BinderAdvertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen LeacockThe reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger SimonYou have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl WilliamsI'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave EdisonIf it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George GobelDon't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel