Over the Airline PA

Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several
airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:


"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."


"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."


"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."


"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."


As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."


A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash
receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that
you might wanna give us!"


Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella...WHOA..!"


"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."


"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or
spouses."


"Last one off the plane must clean it."


"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"


This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone
jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was
the asphalt!"


From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."