On Why Christians Eat Pork [while Jews Do Not]

Crosspost, because why not? :P

It all goes back to a terribly cold winter a long, long time ago...


When Caesar went to the germanic tribes and informed them that they could not eat pigs any more under the new religious laws, the Germanic wise men replied that they would give up pork only after he cleared a final ceremonious plate of bacon and then made an official proclamation as a symbolic gesture for all of their people to recognize as "the end of pork." He cleared the plate, but upon having done so, he refused to go through with the ceremonious rite.


The true orthodox senators got together and had Caesar assassinated and replaced him with a New Caesar, but alas, the Germanic Tribes merely repeated their demands and upon finishing the plate, this New Caesar too refused to finish the rite. The Orthodox would have assassinated this New Caesar too, but alas, for them, it was December, the month in which they were not allowed to kill any Caesers, so they sent an emissary to the Germanic tribes pleading that they would retire their request and simply give up pork anyway.


The Germanic Tribes replied, "well, what are you going to give us for it?" The Clerics retorted by sending a real to life Nativity scene, [which the Germanic tribes mistook as a hovel of immigrant refugees], a band of minstrels to play Christmas carols, and a holy hand grenade. The Germanic tribes replied by returning the super drunk minstrels singing only "O Tanambaum!" along with a huge pile of bundles wrapped in shiny colored wrappings, pine trees covered in candles, spiral cut ham soaked in glaze, kielbasa and enough of bacon for the whole senate while wishing them a happy holiday.


The clerics were confused of course, and asked them just where all of this crap was coming from, since it was clearly not in their holy books, to which the Germanic tribes replied, "what book?" The Clerics said "You know, Your T.O.s!" to which the Germanic tribes replied "there's a Technical Order for this Bull Crap??" and upon being shown the book, replied "Oh, we only read German, and sometimes that demotic American language the English named after themselves" [To which the Scottish, the Welsh, and the Irish all retorted "WE'RE NOT ENGLISH!", but never mind them!] and then Caesar added "heh, I read it, bits and parts, but it's all Greek to me." The Clerics were mostly confused and quite bemused, because at that point Everybody could read, write, sing, sleep and even eat Greek.


But they decided they simply needed to try harder, and soon, they were at their wits end, because they couldn't figure out how to translate their holy book into something the German people might read [they tried three translations, of course, but the first was full of words so complicated that the Germans stared blankly back for hours, the second was so dry that it put the Germans to sleep, and the third got lost in translation altogether.


The Clerics, at their wits end trying to reconcile this matter of differences, went to the senate for help, to which Caesar retorted "Then maybe we should consult an Oracle, or a Sage, or...Siri?" The Clerics immediately said "NO ORACLES!" [but not because they violate the New Holy Book, not being of the Christian religion and all as one might expect their objection to be, but because the last time they consulted an Oracle, they ended up with a King who killed his father and married his mother and they really, really, REALLY wished to avoid that whole bloody Fucked up affair if they could. This left the Sages and Siri, but alas, it being winter, Sage was out of season, and they were about 2000 years too early to consult Siri.


Finally, when all seemed lost, the clerics and the senators and Caesar alighted upon the fact that they were all the smartest people in the village, so that meant what they needed was the village idiot, someone so simple and autistically asbergerish as to see what they might have overlooked. The village idiot wasn’t too hard to find, luckily enough; they simply had to put a plate of glass in the village square and wait for someone to come along and try licking it, which happened way too quick and soon they had to take down the glass in fear that they might be overrun with idiot candidates or that the whole village might turn out to be idiots, which was very well possible because of all the lead in their diets due to the lead pipes that delivered the town drinking water.


The head idiot, though, luckily enough was rather good at reading the word of the Good Book, and after speed reading it like a good Christian cherry picker on a holy book Sundae at an Atheist debate rally, he promptly closed the book and replied “Doesn’t apply.” “HUH????” said the entire crowd, to which he clarified: “Well, you see here, this section here applies only if you’re in Canaan, well, actually, just to the people in Canaan, and we’re not in Canaan, now are we?” This made sense to all but one Cleric, who replied “Where the Fuck is Canaan?” To which the idiot pointed out that it was anywhere near where Jews use Salem might be, to say hello and goodbye and peace ahem, around Jerusalem.


The entirety of Europe cheered when they found this out, and they promptly declared every week in January the Holy Bacon Fest to celebrate their great divine favor in being granted moral access to the heavenly gift of bacon, pork loin, keilbasa, ham, bratwurst, and pepperoni, which they all found went great on flatbread if accompanied with a little cheese; to expand their supplies, they went so far as to confiscate every bit of it from Canaan, telling the unwashed gentiles that they were just pig out of luck and they should have moved to Rome when they had a chance.


And all was well, except you may remember that Holy Hand Grenade. Well, that was put in a closet for a great long while where it was forgotten for many, many, many years, and then one day when little Tommy Oppenheimer was packing everything to escape to America ahead of the Nazi Incursion, he just so happened to take it with him and the rest is history or heresy, be it told by a man or a woman...