Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that will mark the location of the unbound riches of their future. A well known calligrapher lived in the area and Clumsy Edward knew just how to get their much-needed red ink!
"Put ye hands out and I can vault into the window he keeps open, Cap'n. In an out real quick-like, sir! Ink an everything!"
Clumsy Edward's plan was foolproof. The night had come and Captain Normal Beard and Clumsy Edward were outside the calligrapher's home. All according to plan, the window the duo had planned to use was open and the home was dark. Normal Beard interlocked his fingers as if he'd done it hundreds of times before and Edward was in the window in no time.
Here's where the issue arises.
Clumsy Edward, claiming his name once again, had only put enough forethought into the operation to get into the window. He was unaware of the layout of the small one-room home the calligrapher lived in. He was incredibly unaware that the calligrapher did all of his work right under the window and that he had neglected to put away his work from earlier the night. Clumsy Edward falls through the window and lands onto the table with a loud crash, alerting the neighboring citizens. "Argh, I done crash't into the table an spill't the ink, Cap'n! I'm cover't innit!"
Upon hearing the commotion a nearby group of men ran to the scene to find Clumsy Edward leaving the home covered in ink. Black ink on his face. Blue across his entire torso. Red ink covering his arms and hands.
Unfortunately, Clumsy Edward and Captain Normal Beard's dream to be wealthy pirates was known to the community and no one believed that Clumsy Edward would do something of his own fruition.
After the fallout of their plan, Captain Normal Beard went to the local tavern to attempt to drown his sorrows unaware of the fate that befell his matey.
Mid-drink Clumsy Edward was thrown into the tavern followed by his captors. Upon making eye contact with his Captain, Edward immediately and profusely apologized. Seeing this, Edward's captors seized Captain Normal Beard and showed him the evidence against him. The black ink on Edward's face. The Blue in across his torso. And finally, the red ink covering his arms and hands. "We believe Edward here to have broken into the calligrapher's home with your instruction, Normal Beard. What do ye say to these accusations?"
Captain Normal Beard was completely stunned, unable to come up with a good reason for their predicament.
Normal Beard knew that he and his matey had been caught and they would surely hang for destruction and theft. His dream of becoming a pirate was over before it started to come to fruition. Being a man of his word, never lying, yet still sour over the outcome of the night said but one thing to the men..
"Aye, we did the deed.. An I woulda got away wit it too, had ye not caught me Red Hand Ed!"
**EDIT:**
First post, long time redditor. I was unaware as to how long this would be. I just thought of the punchline and came up with a story on the fly. I hope at least one person gets a chuckle out of it, although I doubt it warrants a laugh or a bellow with how lengthy it is and how weak the punch is. Nevertheless, hope someone enjoys it and ANY criticism is more than welcomed. I have aspirations to possibly become a stand up comic, but of course not with jokes like this seeing as how it is far from suited for that kind of venue. Any way to shorten this joke is also extremely welcome. More so than any criticism, whether it be constructive or not.
*Post Edit TL;DR*
A pirate captain, Normal Beard, and his matey, Clumsy Edward, attempt to steal ink to make treasure maps. They break into a calligrapher's home with the matey clumsily falling and getting covered in ink, in particular, red ink on his arms and hands. The matey is caught and brought to the pirate captain by his captors who then interrogate the captain of his suspected crimes, bringing up the ink on his cohorts arms and hands. Being a man who doesn't lie, yet is still flustered the captain proclaims, ""Aye, we did the deed.. An I woulda got away wit it too, had ye not caught me Red Hand Ed!"
*Post Edit TL;DR Edit*
It seems I just shortened my joke for myself... Which version do you like better? Possibly something between length-wise?
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