Never too soon for Joan.

I learned to adore Joan Rivers as an adult, and though the world should miss her presence, we shouldn't feel too sad. She lived a long and productive life, had an outstanding career, supported equal rights for all citizens, and ultimately, she went out doing what she loved, which is getting surgery. We'll miss you Joan.

Though she may have passed, Joan Rivers will always be with us, not only in our hearts, but as non-biodegradable remnants that will remain in our soil for future civilizations to unearth.

I predict that the Joan Rivers plastic mask is going to be a hit this Halloween, hell, it should be after all the years Joan spent promoting it.

It has just come out that Joan is going to have a burial ceremony. The Rivers family had originally planned to have her cremated, but were informed that with the level of petrochemicals in her body, she would likely continue burning for approximately 15 years. Though the idea of utilizing this fire for the sake of a memorial was briefly considered, burial was decided on due to lower maintenance. 

Apparently the burial of Joan Rivers is to cost in the neighborhood of 3 million dollars. Though the family has made plans for a rather modest ceremony, the state has required that they pay upfront for brownfield remediation expenses. 

Joan Rivers is to set the Guiness World Record as being the first human being to fly around the world post-mortem! This will be accomplished through her reuse for the manufacture of floatation devices and dinner trays on yet-unnamed airlines.

Already missing Joan Rivers? Well it seems you won't have to for long! A Cambridge Massachusetts start-up, in conjunction with the Rivers estate, is going to reanimate the collected scraps from Joan's sugeries over the past few decades. Utilizing recent advances in stem cell research and modern plastic surgery, there should be a fully grown perfect replica by this coming spring. While the camp is very optimistic about the replicas appearance, they've remained extremely conservative on the expected level of humor, saying that at best, it'll be on par with Jeff Foxworthy or Carlos Mencia. Hey, far from perfect, but not bad for 2014!

Joan Rivers' new standup DVD comes out tomorrow, it'll be called "Jokes You A******s Will Probably Make About Me When I Die". All DVD cases will be made from unused portions of face that will no longer be needed.

A news report has just surfaced regarding the nature of the surgery that Joan Rivers was undergoing at the time of her cardiac arrest. Though early reports stated that it was some form of neck surgery, she was in fact recieving surgery to relieve the tightness in the upper tendons of her middle fingers, as they were stuck in the "up" position.