Monica's Diary

*** Entry 1 ***
Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....
and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet,
but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
*** Entry 2 ***
Dear Diary, You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one
was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands
and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked in.
He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.


*** Entry 3 ***
Dear Diary, I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on
the rug and asked me to find them.
*** Entry 4 ***
Dear Diary, He really likes me.
*** Entry 5 ***
Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a
drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or
something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900
Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)


*** Entry 6 ***
Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really
cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She
looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
*** Entry 7 ***
Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak
louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
*** Entry 8 ***
Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that
Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job-hunting with him tomorrow.
*** Entry 9 ***
Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case. What
is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am
way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
*** Entry 10 ***
Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back
to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
*** Entry 11 ***
Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I
would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was
actually related to.
*** Entry 12 ***
Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they
really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If
there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
*** Entry 13 ***
Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting
from Kenneth Starr. I think they have subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate
her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie
doll in the back.
*** Entry 14 ***
Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to
this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the pentagon. Just
have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no
brainier!)
*** Entry 15 ***
Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president.
I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when
I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
*** Entry 16 ***
Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position
would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's
desk if they did.
*** Entry 17 ***
Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity...like I caught something from
the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man
outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
*** Entry 18 ***
Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that
about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told
mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. My big mouth and me!
*** Entry 19 ***
Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool
movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a
sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite,
Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.