Martha's Life In Jail

I'm picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron


bars, and useful storage containers she's built that glide easily below


her bunk bed in which she'll store sheets and linens from K-Mart's


going-out-of-business sale.


The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with


toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow


from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows


through the open bars of her window.


Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with


matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.


They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear


it's Martha's intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving


feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even


while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit


to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.


I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a


decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam


Waksal's taste clashes wildly with hers.


Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect


from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations


to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a


melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell


floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.


Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the


thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one


perfectly round.


As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on


her cheeks is written: "It's a good thing."