[LONG] "The Unbeatable Bar Challenge!!!"

...the disheveled, homeless drunk read on the poster taped up on the bar door. It continued:


"\*\*Complete each of the bar's four **IMPOSSIBLE** challenges to win a round of **10** drinks each!\*\*
Complete **ALL** four challenges at once and win...

###DRINKS FOR LIFE!!!
^^^^^Inquire ^^^^^within ^^^^^for ^^^^^details."

The drunk straightened up his nonexistent tie, licked his palm to slick back his hair, and walked right through the door, past the plethora of patrons, and straight up to the bar.

The bartender, who was busy cleaning glasses, took one look at the bum, and asked, "So I take it you're here about the challenge?"

The bum nodded, hiccuped, and slurred out, "Yesshurey, I shure am!"

The bartender rolled his eyes, then explained, "Alright, each of the challenges nets you ten drinks. If you manage to do all four challenges before we close up for the night, you'll be swimming in more alcohol then you'll know what to do with. For the first challenge, you'll need to nail this railroad spike," as he picked up a 12-incher from behind the bar and placed it on top, "into the sticking post in the men's room with any of the eggs from the pickle jar. After, you'll need to climb up to the roofline of this establishment. From there, you'll be pissing into one of our shotglasses filling it up to the brim. Then, there's Rocky, the rottweiler in the yard out back. You'll need to pull the thorn out of his paw, and he doesn't much like strangers. Finally, you'll be going upstairs where you'll find my grandmother, the most insatiable, randy woman in this town in the past sixty years. If you can give her the best fucking of her life, you'll win your prize."

By this point, the entire bar establishment had gathered to see if the old coot will follow through with the challenges. He immediately snatched up the railroad spike, reached barehanded into the pickle jar to yank out an egg, and marched straight into the lavatory, where he's followed by a few male patrons to witness this act. The restroom erupted with cheers, hollers, and hoots interspersed with the old man's "goddammit"s, "shiiiit"s, and "ah fucking hell"s. Eventually a unified cheer erupted within the small area of the bar and the old man walks out with one egg-covered, bloody stump of a hand and a smirk.

He marched back over to the bar, tapped the bartop, and said, "My drinkssh, pleeash..."

The bartender poured out ten shots of the cheapest swill he carried and the drunk downed em as quickly as they're poured without crossing his eyes. He kept the final shotglass in hand as he made his way out the front door. A vast majority of the bar followed him out, starting up a rhythmic chant to keep him going. You could tell from within the bar that it must have been going well, since the rhythm of the chant picked up more and more after awhile and ended with another unified cheer.

The old drunk stumbled back in and, wordlessly, pointed his finger on top of the bar again. The bartender set up another ten shots and the drunk gulped down all ten. The entire bar was erupting with cheers at this point. The drunk then took a deep breath and barely kept himself upright as he veritably flopped out the back door, naturally followed by almost the entire bar at this point. However, once in the yard, instead of the usual cheers that occurred, there was a smattering of "oooh"s and "uuuuhhhh"s, interjected by occasional "what the fuck"s. There could be heard between the reactions of the crowd the growls and snarls of a wild beast, followed by loud yelps and extremely loud whimpering. Eventually, hushed silence followed and some of the patrons preceded the stumbling, old drunk as they dove straight for restrooms, covering the vomit in their mouths.

The drunk, now covered in scrapes, scratches, and abrasions, pointed to the bar again as the bartender already began lining up glasses and shots for him to down. Once the last shot had been drunk, and everyone was certain the old man wouldn't keel over or pass out, he managed to half speak, half belch...

"Now, where's that old bitch with the thorn in her paw?!?"