Joe the Good Conductor

In a beautiful small town not far from you is a man known as Joe the Good Conductor. Being quite wealthy, Joe is the proud owner of a train that he operates every day, carrying townsfolk around the city almost free of charge.

I say almost free of charge, because there in an archaic law in place that prohibits operating any form of transportation service for free. This law dates back to a time when horse and carriage drivers were almost run out of business by large conglomerate that tried to provide the service for free until they all went bankrupt, at which point it would drive up the prices.

Sure, the townsfolk could vote to change the law, but the minimum set by the municipality is only one cent, and there's something charming about paying a penny for anything these days.

So at every stop, Joe proudly steps off of the train and onto the platform where he invites people to take a ride on his train: "Anywhere you want to go for only a penny per stop!" He even dresses like a conductor would in the 1920's. It's all very show.

Townsfolk with somewhere to be or nothing to do climb aboard Joe's well-kept locomotive and off they go toward the next stop. As part of the fanfare, Joe leaves his apprentice to run the train between stops while he himself makes the rounds collecting each passenger's penny.

During one such trip, Joe arrives at a seat occupied by a sweet old lady and, as he does with all of his passengers, kindly requested the penny.

"Oh Joe, I'm sorry. I don't have my penny ready. I'll just have to get it from my purse."

Joe smiles and patiently waits as the old lady pulls out her suitcase, opens it and pulls out her knitting bag, opens that and pulls out her purse, opens that and pulls out her wallet, opens that and pulls our her change purse, opens that and pulls out a penny. She hands the penny to Joe who politely says, "Thank you!", as he is known to do. She then closes her change purse and puts it in her wallet, closes her wallet and puts it in her purse, closes her purse and puts it in her knitting bag, closes her knitting bag and puts it in her suitcase, and finally closes her suitcase and slides it back under the seat in front of her.

On his way back to the cab Joe thinks to himself, *It would have saved a bit of time if only she'd had her penny ready. Oh well. Maybe I'll suggest that next time.*

After the next stop, Joe begins his rounds again collecting pennies to and fro. Despite the absurdity of the ritual, he's grown to really enjoy this part. It's a great way to meet people, and say, "Hello!"

He arrives back at the old lady again, and with his best smile says, "Hello again, Ma'am. May I please collect the payment of one penny?"

"Is it that time already?" she asks.

"After every stop," says Joe.

"I just have to get it from my purse. It will only take a minute."

So the old lady pulls out her suitcase, opens it and pulls out her knitting bag. She opens her knitting bag and pulls out her purse. She opens her purse and pulls out her wallet. She opens her wallet and pulls out her change purse. She opens her change purse and pulls out a penny and she hands it to Joe.

"Thank you," Joe says politely. "Perhaps next time you could have it ready when I come around?"

"Of course, Joe," replies the old lady, who then closes her change purse and puts it in her wallet. She closes her wallet and puts it in her purse. She closes her purse and puts it in her knitting bag. She closes her knitting bag and puts it in her suitcase. She closes her suitcase and slides it under the seat.

The train stops at its next destination. Some people get off; some people get on. And the little journey continues.

This time, Joe decides, he'll make sure when he goes about collecting the pennies to talk loudly. This will give the old lady plenty of notice so that she has the penny ready.

"Hello!" Joe says loudly to this passenger and that. "I'm here to collect the fee of one penny, please!"

Eventually, he arrives at the old lady.

"Oh hello, Joe!" she says. "I'm sorry. I forgot all about the penny. Just give me a minute here..."

She pulls out her suitcase, opens it and pulls out her knitting bag; opens her knitting bag and pulls out her purse; opens her purse and pulls out her wallet; opens her wallet and pulls out her change purse; opens her change purse and pulls out a penny and she hands it to Joe who takes a deep breath and says, "Ma'am. If you would be so kind as to have the penny ready the next time I come around..."

And she says, "Of course, Joe. Sorry to make you wait. I'll be ready next time." Then she closes her change purse and puts it in her wallet; closes her wallet and puts it in her purse; closes her purse and puts it in her knitting bag; closes her knitting bag and puts it in her suitcase; closes her suitcase and slides it under the seat.

After the next stop, as Joe begins his rounds, he can't help but think, *I really hope she has the penny ready. I mean, here I am saying,* "Good afternoon, sir. May I collect the payment of a penny, please?" *loud enough I'm certain people think I'm going deaf. She's sure to have it ready this time. There's no reason not to.*

Of course, when it's time to collect from the little old lady she shakes her head and say, "Oh Joe. I've forgotten again, haven't I?"

So she pulls out her suitcase, opens it and pulls out her knitting bag; opens her knitting bag and pulls out her purse; opens her purse and pulls out her wallet; opens her wallet and pulls out her change purse; opens her change purse and pulls out a penny and she hands it to Joe, who through clenched teeth says, "Thank you, and ma'am, I implore you. Please have the penny ready next time."

And the old lady says, "I promise." She smiles and closes her change purse and puts it in her wallet; closes her wallet and puts it in her purse; closes her purse and puts it in her knitting bag; closes her knitting bag and puts it in her suitcase; closes her suitcase and slides it under the seat.

As Joe marches back to the cab he thinks *If that **bitch** doesn't have that goddamn penny ready next time...*

It's next time and Joe goes about collecting pennies loudly, and occasionally making eye contact with her. Each time he does, he smiles back. She's sure to have the penny ready this time, but to be certain Joe makes it a point to visit her last.

He takes a deep breath, and asks, "May I have my penny now, please?"

The old lady says, "Of course. Let me just get it out of my purse."

**BANG!**

Joe shoots her in the head, killing her instantly and violently.

Obviously, Joe is taken to trial and put before Mike the Good Judge. Being a small town, Joe knows Mike, who upon seeing him enter the courtroom can't help but ask, "Joe, really, what were you thinking?"

"I guess I just lost my cool," Joe says. "There's no excuse for it."

"There really isn't," says Mike. "Joe, we've known each other a long time, but you understand that for this crime I have no choice but to sentence you to death."

Joe politely nods and replies, "I understand. You do what you have to do."

Joe is then taken to the electric chair where he is strapped in by an old friend, Bob the Good Electrocutioner. Bob is quite surprised to see Joe and immediately asks, "What the hell did you do to get *here*, Joe?"

Joe replies, "I killed an old lady in cold blood."

"Well," said Bob, "You know what comes next. Wish it weren't so, but it's my job and I gotta get it done."

"You do what you have to do, Bob," says Joe, as Bob straps him into the chair.

"Now Joe, it's my job to do you in, but on account of our history and what not, I'm gonna put this here thing on the lowest setting. This way it shouldn't hurt to much."

Joe politely replies, "Thanks, Bob. You're a good friend."

Bob sets the electric chair to low and throws the switch. Joe starts convulsing and whatnot, but even after 10 seconds he's still alive. Bob turns off the chair and says, "Joe, I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're just not dying so I'll have to turn it up. This one is going to hurt more."

"No worries, Bob," says Joe.

Bob sets the electric chair to medium and throws the switch. Joe starts to thrashing around even more violently, but after another 10 seconds he's still alive. Bob turns off the chair and says, "Joe, I really hate to do this to you, but I'm just gonna have to set this thing to high. I ain't gonna lie: it's gonna hurt like hell."

"That's okay, Bob," replies Joe. "This is your job and you do what you gotta do."

Bob cranks the electric chair up to high and throws the switch. Joe is shaking around so hard that the bolts holding the chair in place start to rattle loose. Lights begin to flicker. The crackling of electricity is blinding and deafening. But after 10 seconds, Joe remains alive.

Bob approaches Joe in disbelief and begins to unstrap him. "In all my years, I've never had a failed execution. Joe, you know the law: if you survive execution you walk free. But before you go, I must know. How did you do it? How did you survive?"

Joe smiles and replies, "I'm Joe the Good Conductor."