- The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
- Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
- The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
- My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
- The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
- Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
- My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while tea-bagging a retarded girl.
- The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
- Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diarrhea of a cancer patient.
- The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
- Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
- Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
- Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
- The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
- Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
- Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
- The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
- Neighborhoods I've been chased out of due to Megan?s Law.
- The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo-doo on a stick.
- Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
- Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
- Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
- Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
- Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
- Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
- People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
- Black churches I bombed in the south.
- 20 people I hope die of leukemia.
- The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
- The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
- Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
- Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
- American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
- My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
- The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
- Alzheimer's patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
- The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
- Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
- 25 autistics I think are faking it.
- Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
- The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
- Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
- My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
- Girls I've fingered in their sleep.
- 10 things I've done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
- Sexual fantasies I've had revolving around pig feces.
- Under aged girls I've had erection difficulties with.
- Girlfriends who've caught me 69ing with their fathers.
- Parasites I've caught nesting in my pubic hair.
- The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
- The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I've fallen into face first.
- Relatives I've gotten erections with while slow dancing.
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