Jim Gaffigan Quotes

# "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. You can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big building I like food bye..'"

# "I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

# "You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

# "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"

# "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H."

# "There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough,' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're gonna move!'"

# "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

# "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden, and my mother was Elton John. He was a very good mommy!"

# "Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're in a couple, all you see is hookers?"

# "I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event!'"

# "I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

# "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"

# "Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!"

# "I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"

# "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea."

# "What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

# "My wife always wants me to go to confession - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't enjoy lying to a holy man."

# "How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'"

# "Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?"

# "I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."