Jewish jokes

(Just a few of my favorites)

A man is getting ready to get married to a very Orthodox wife, and he goes to her rabbi for help. He's recently converted and very unfamiliar with Jewish weddings.
"Rabbi, for the wedding, do I sit with my wife?"
"No, the men sit with the men and the women sit with the women."
"Okay, can I dance with my wife?"
"No, the men dance with the men and the women dance with the women."
"Okay Rabbi, a few questions about sex... Can we do it missionary position? Like, man on woman?"
"We don't call it that, but yes, that's fine."
"How about cowgirl style? Woman on top of man?" The rabbi scratches his chin.
"A little kinky, but there's nothing in the Torah against it."
"How about standing up?"
"Absolutely not, that could lead to dancing."
--
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole countrywould be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
--
There was a little old Jewish man who was having a bit of trouble below the belt. His wife told him to see what was wrong, and after a lot of nudging he finally went to the doctor, and was surprised when the doctor told him he had syphilis. As he sat on the bus on the way home, he turned the word over in his head, he had never heard it before.
When he got home, his wife said, "Nu, Hymie, what did the doctor say?"
Hymie shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. He said it was syphilis, but I'm not sure what that is."
"Wait- I'll go look it up."
Hymie's wife checks the dictionary and returns to the room. She pats him on the back."We have nothing to worry about. It's a disease of the Gentiles."