In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times

Includes some late night humor, and rec.humor.funny (rhf)


Britain returned control of Hong Kong to China this week. In a last minute decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Now that Hong Kong has switched, it's only a matter of time before they'll be bothered during dinner by AT&T, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to switch again. (Miller)
China should be doing pretty good at this point - Britain gave them Hong Kong, and the Democrats are selling them Washington.
Washington has been experiencing a heat wave. It was so hot, people were standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly. (Leno)
Travel Advisory: Don't go to the Republic of Congo. They're having a fight.
The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, and senior citizens are upset. Senator Strom Thurmond responded, "These kids today, it's always gimme gimme gimme."
The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet. Most experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the net - America Online.
A dissident faction of Ross Perot's Reform Party has broken off to form its own party. Politics are getting pretty bad when you have to reform the Reform Party. President Clinton responded to the UN Earth Summit criticism by endorsing tough new standards for clean air. It's about time - twice during the '96 Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky.
The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. Those people waited weeks for emergency help - never have a natural disaster in a year that doesn't end with an election.
McDonald's heiress Joan Kroc's $15 million gift to North Dakota flood victims has spawned other philanthropy. Michael Kennedy offered to drive their baby sitters home.
Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow.
The only person happy with the outcome of the fight was Tyson's new corner person - Lorena Bobbitt.
Mike Tyson used to be a world ranked prize fighter - now he's just a two bit boxer.
A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. Did you know that 'Mir' is Russian for 'Amtrak'?
The Air Force says aliens didn't land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. They say they were just test dropping mannequins. Knowing what we know about the Air Force, they were probably blow up dolls.
Debate continues on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case. Most lawmakers think the military code is too strict. Of course, these are the same lawmakers who think the Sixth Commandment says, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'. I think if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court martialed for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS.
The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once - for example, one with Iraq and one with the '90's. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits. The good news for them - they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they bought in the last year if they still have the receipts. (Leno)
As part of the agreement, the tobacco companies have to get rid of all their billboards. Pretty soon, Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man will be living in OJ's guest house.
Smokers can relax, though. It's still legal to smoke under water and on top of Mt. Everest.
And finally, following a lengthy illness, famed undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau has died. In accordance with his wishes, he will not be buried or cremated - his family will flush him down the toilet.