I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am


I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam


I don't brag to my buddies about my erections


I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions


I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown


and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!


I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt


my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut


and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch


or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch


I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind


I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!


I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing


I don't have body hair like shag carpeting


It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back


When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack


And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb


I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome


Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side


I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!


And I honestly think its a privilege for me


to have these two boobs and squat when I pee


I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball


I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal


I won't tell you my wife just does not understand


stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band


or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep


then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!


Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see


you can forget all about that old penis envy


I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks


join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick


I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true


I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!