I'm Glad I'm A Man

Every single day, I give thanks to God
that I was born a man instead of a broad
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV


I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports


Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am man
I dont' go through a faze, every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man


I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take lots of friends when I go to the john
I don't buy shoes just because they're on sale
and I don't throw a fit when I break a nail


Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man


I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass


Oh, I love your fair faces
And your warm, soft embraces
and I love those things inside of your blouse
But if God took a rest and I woke up with breasts
Not once would I ever leave the house


Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man


I don't spend hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
and when someone asks my age, I never lie


I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
These are probably the same shorts I wore yesterday


Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I find Michael Bolton, completely revolting
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man