I like my women like I like my eggs...

- hard boiled and pickled in vinegar

- Hot, and cracked over the head with a spoon

- full of delicious fluids

- covered in oil and salt

- Up a chicken's arse

- In a box with eleven others.

- collected fresh from the farm, with money left in an old cake tin

- Salmonella-free since the 1990s.

- stamped with an expiration date

- sterile

- hairless

- with a guilty suspicion that white ones taste best

- surrounded by meat and breadcrumbs

- fragile and full of goo

- covered in chocolate and filled with creme

- gradually slowing my digestive transit

- laid daily

- from parents kept in crowded, lightless sheds

- unable to talk

- with lots of soldiers going in and out of them

- naked unless I clothe them

- reminiscent of testes

- brown and speckled

- having me eat them in a messy way

- broken

- lightly beaten

- bad for my heart

- rotten inside

- covered in chicken shit

- despised by PeTA

- a hard outer shell and a soft, creamy middle

- being sat on half way up a tree

- lying on gently cooling toast

- raised by ducks

- carefully scrutinised for imperfection and segregated accordingly

- with a picture of a lion on their arse

- chosen for their size

- avoided by vegans

- inside cakes

- only released once a month

- cold and lifeless

- with their own compartment in the fridge door

- sitting in the bottom of a pan of boiling water

- slightly too big to put in my mouth whole

- lodged in my colon

- thrown at somebody's window

- unable to move on their own

- indistinguishable from a bad tumour

- eagerly devoured by infants

- difficult to fit through a letterbox

- bland without salt

- uncomfortable to sit on

- easy to crush one way. Hard to crush the other way

- disappointing when you find them in a sandwich

- dead inside

- hard to put on a shelf

- incapable of love

- no match for an uncarpeted floor

- flecked with blood

- thin-skinned when their mother was exposed to poison

- containing baby chickens