Genesis 1 - for Creationists

In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday,
July 4, 4004 B.C. And God said, let there be light; and there
was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it
was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big
Job to do.


And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and
pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon
tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals
made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was
that, for the first Work Day.


And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he
had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be
divided from earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we
have made in the earth; but not too deep. And God buried all the
Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and
the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.


And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear;
and that was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and
the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put
he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he
thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding
anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he
Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was
in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been
a long day; which he called Wednesday.


And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or
without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and
all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For
lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the
earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small,
with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and
fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful
and multiply and Evolve Not.


And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the
earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each
species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is
My Law. And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle
and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and
the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took the
bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old;
and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every
tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put
matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created
carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the
Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put
in another good day's work.


And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness,
which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also
make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short
and ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion
over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species,
endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image;
tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing
at all like the monkey.


And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh
it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth
and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb,
and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And
the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth
well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be
wedded unto Turf.


And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very
good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private
sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could
have taken billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day,
which had been the roughest yet, God said, Thank Me, it's
Friday. And God made the weekend.