Confuse Your Roommate

Ways to confuse your roomie


1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down
and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with
the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring
you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn
it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the
trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include
a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents
(postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster or The Boog. Sacrifice
something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower.
Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame.
If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty
times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you
want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least eight hours a day. If your roommate
complains, explain that it's an assignment for your
primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a
baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from
it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close
and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to
visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the
magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit
your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake
like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall
asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for ten seconds then hang up.