Found in the Dogbert's New Ruling Class Newsletter

by Scott Adams


I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported, "My computer is making a strange noise." We visited the site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer. [Editor's note: Later that day he called the Men's Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]


I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously better.


Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.


This one's a double sighting: I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left, the fun began:


CLERK: "Can I help you?"


ME: "I'm the $18.50 charge."


CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the computer. But I just charged that last guy $18.50."


ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?"


CLERK: "No, he was just in here asking for directions."


ME: "Then why did you charge him $18.50."


CLERK: "Ummmm... excuse me!"


Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for directions. [Editor's Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge them. You might get lucky. In fact, it's a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money for whoever runs into that person next.]


I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that. I suppose I could have just wanted a B.


My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, "individual" is spelled wrong all over this document. [Editor's Note: It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you're only doing it for the laughs.]


The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says: "We have tacos." I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.


Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes, and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out, "hello, hello?" But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the same guy, calling "hello, hello?" Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work. He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?" She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?" "Yes?" she replies. "Can you bring me that file from your desk?"


Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes an inspirational story like this one: Dear Scott, Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from your newsletter which suggested "converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.