Dilbert Newsletter 17.0

When some people see the word 'coworker' they think it means the same as 'co-worker.' But it doesn't. Coworker is from the Olde English expression, 'cow orker,' as in the following sentence that is best read with a cockney accent, 'I ain't workin' with 'im! He's a bloody cow orker!' I walked up to the counter at a chain fried chicken joint and asked the cashier-Induhvidual for a soda and a piece of chicken. 'Crispy or regular', she asked. 'I don't care. Either will be fine,' I replied. 'Crispy or regular', she asked again, annoyed. '...Ahh, Crispy then,' I responded. 'We are out of crispy,' she said.--------- A couple of years ago, when I worked at a large company, our 'sexual harassment training' included a company letter that stated 'Don't treat a female engineer like a secretary.' Needless to say, the secretaries were not amused.---------I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she had bought a tower PC instead of the desktop computer as it took up too much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk, flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at me in amazement and asked, 'You can do that?' (Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.)--------- ---------I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, 'I know'. Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her answer was, 'We don't have a sign like that'.--------- ---------A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. Under each category indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations, overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case. He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to authorize anything.---------I brought my film to the 'One Hour Developing' place and asked for the one hour service. 'No problem,' said the owner, You can pick it up in two hours.' I protested, 'The sign says one hour developing. ' 'That's right,' he said, 'One hour developing takes about two hours.' [Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the same size as the regular ones.]DNRC Prank Report -----------------This galactic prank report comes directly from the field: I took the QuickTime panorama of the Mars Pathfinder, reworked it into my own HTML web page (neatly entitled 'Pathfinder Mission Control') and put a heading 'Pathfinder Active Camera Control' above the panorama. Soon the news travelled, from Induhvidual to Induhvidual, that I had found a way to control the camera on the Pathfinder from my computer at work. My PC was swarmed by Induhviduals each taking their turn 'controlling the camera'. And another prank report... A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be 'balanced.' My friend gave his boss a program which writes 'weight files' on carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced.DNRC Motto ----------Visionary Dave Morse suggests this motto for the DNRC: I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Curing the Voicemail-Playing Coworker -------------------------------------I get many complaints from people about their cow-orking co-workers who use the speakerphone function to listen to their voicemail messages everyday. This is very annoying if you are in the next cube. But I have a cure for this. From an anonymous phone, preferably a payphone or the desk phone of a dimwitted cow-orker, leave a sexually suggestive message on the offending Induhvidual's voice mail. Do this every day until the problem abates. The messages should be naughty enough to embarrass the person who plays it aloud, but not so naughty that you'll get fired if they find out it's you. I suggest using breathy and suggestive sentences that make oblique references to things like vegetable oil, feathers and lost wristwatches. That oughta do it.Dogbert Answers My Mail -----------------------In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer myself.Dear Mr. Adams, After reading your 7/31/97 cartoon and sharing it with a fellow co-worker, we got into a small discussion. The issue involves the last panel of the cartoon in which a rather large person is pictured at a copy machine. Is this large human being clearly meant to be a female? If so, I feel this could be taken as being politically incorrect for the reason that men can also have fat rear ends. However, it always seems that women are the ones pictured with the fat rear ends. A short reply from your side to clarify the situation would be greatly appreciated. Barb L.Dear Bulb, You make a good point. All the male characters in the Dilbert strip are trim and good-looking. Dilbert, Wally and the Pointy-haired boss are all Chippendale dancers on weekends. But the female characters don't get such favorable treatment. More often than not they are depicted as gigantic creatures whose butt cheeks embrace Wally's head in an accicental embrace. Apparently this is Mr. Adams' idea of 'funny.' I will talk to Mr. Adams about this obvious bias and have it corrected immediately.